Maybe We Can’t Have It All (but it’s ok – hear me out)

4 years ago I wrote an article called “we can have it all“.

Turns out, I was wrong. Let me explain.

The original post was when I was in my 3rd trimester, preparing to give birth to my daughter and be back to running my business (a large yoga studio) a month or two later.

I was the breadwinner in my family, my worth was very much invested in my work, and I’d always had the flexibility and space in my life to work hard and have fun. Why would being a parent change anything? My partner would be the SAHD and my life would continue like nothing ever happened, asides from having a mini me to adventure with in my spare time. I clearly knew nothing haha.

Except, what really happened – the landscape post-Covid, the cost of living crisis, a business partner who was providing anything but stability, a wonderful baby girl who needed to be on me permanently … and a business that apparently couldn’t survive without me being there full time, despite my best efforts and preparation.

As I stumbled from the wreckage of my work, sleep-deprived and unsure who I was anymore (matrescence + my identity being tied up in the now-smouldering ruins of my business is quite the potent cocktail for completely losing sight of yourself) I had one plan :: to heal from the burnout and stop trying to do, be and have it all.

My situation was perhaps quite extreme, but over the years I’ve befriended, learned from and been inspired by many female entrepreneurs who are also mothers and they reinforced my own lived experience – as women and mothers we cannot do or have it all – at least not at the same time.

Theres so much to unpack here – biology clashing with second-wave feminism and a societal backdrop of limited alloparenting for most families, excessive childcare costs and unequal parenting that makes it SO difficult for women to balance ambition and motherhood – and I’m not going to dive into it here.

I just want to acknowledge the tension that is permanently present, between wanting to be present for your wonderful kids and wanting to pursue your ambition. I have created my own sort of hodge-podged version of this based on my values and definition of success, and I think that’s the smartest thing we can do.

Success for me means feeling resourced, having space in my schedule, being present with my family and being able to follow my professional purpose, but I don’t think anyone can tick all of that all of the time. I definitely don’t! Sick kids, childcare drama, life’s stressors and exhaustion means that no week looks the same as another.

I’m so grateful for being a business owner, having a flexible schedule and a wonderful bunch of clients who understand that life can be crazy with young kids. My teaching hours are a quarter of what they used to be – intentionally so I can use my calendar white space to have the alone time I need to fill my cup and get creative. I’ve redesigned my whole life and work so that I can have fun and be HERE for Rei’s early years, and everyday I’m so grateful that I can spend so much time with my wonderful daughter. It hasn’t been easy and taking the financial hit has been an experience in itself, but I’m so glad that I know what helps me feel fulfilled and that I designed my lifestyle to support that.

And I think that’s what we have to do. Rather than making sweeping statements that we can have it all, lets explore the nuance. Let’s talk more about our values, our definition of success and how we can adapt our priorities in each season of our childrens’ lives so that we – and they – feel fulfilled.

My aim isn’t to demotivate you or make you feel limited. Rather, it’s firstly an acknowledgement of the wider sociopolitical shitshow going on around us, the messy imperfection of parenting, and the mentalload inequality (and we’re more equal than most people I know), and an invitation to get really clear on what your values and priorities are in this season and adjust your levels of support to facilitate you chasing them.

This looks different for every one of us, and that’s great. My life is a 50/50 split between work and parenting just now. That ratio may look very different to you. You may need more childcare to manage your workload or wellbeing, or you may need to step back from work for a season. I think it feels a lot more manageable (and less 2am catastrophising required!) if we just acknowledge the season of life we’re in, knowing that early years look very different to teen years etc.

If you want (or need) to lean into work more, look for more childcare support – nursery, nanny/childminders, afterschool clubs, babysitters – so that you can get time and space to work. Think about when you want to be present with your kids – is it bedtime? breakfast? pickups? dinner? and adjust your work schedule to fit with that. Remember, it’s quality time over quantity that matters.

And if you want (or need) to step back from work to spend more time with your kids, what balls can you drop that will allow the wheels to keep spinning in your business? Get clear on what the revenue-generating needlemovers in your business are, and let go of things that don’t move the needle and don’t bring you fulfilment!

This is a totally non-yoga/wellebeing related article, I know, but it’s a conversation that I want to see happen more – especially in female entrepreneurial circles. The gender pay disparity in the workplace is widely spoken about, but I think there needs to be more dialogue around female business owners and entrepreneurs who are also parents. The flexibility and adaptability of our work can be really helpful – we just need to get the balance right for our own individual idea of success.